Get your mouse off my brain

Aries March 21-April 19

Mind you manners, that's no diet.....That looks like the menu for a county fair eating contest. Bad Piggy Piggy!. Look at yourself in the mirror. Better yet, Take a naked picture of yourself with your  digital camera and rethink eating that. Oh and by the way, don't open the door to your house between the 6th and the 12th, you might be killed accidentally. Also look for what you lost under the bed...DUH!!! It won't be there but it will remind you how stupid you are and that losing things is very childish.


Taurus April 20-May 20

Pay attention you asshole. Half of your problem is that you daydream. Quit wishing you would win the big Money Lottery prize, you won't. The lottery has bad odds odds so bad that you would need to die in 8 plane crashes...and I don't know if that's possible....Judges? NO, it is not possible....oh what's that? Oh you were gonna buy 10 dollars worth of tickets, not just one, oh I didn't know you were going to play all of your families birthdates...ohhhhhh oh that really boosts your odds, sorry I didn't understand. Mathematically, let me see 10 dollars.....Nope 8 airplane crashes still, you fucking asshole.

Gemini May 21- June 21

Sweet Jesus, its been how long since you have gotten some action? WOW, you are really a piece of shit in the sex department. NO jerking off doesn't count. You should probably consider some other options at this point. Perhaps some same sex action, Gay people are always more slutty than straight people. I mean, they are Gay, if you took it like that wouldn't you think about it all day to. Try some gay sex or perhaps a glory hole, either side, you are guaranteed a good time.

Cancer June 22-July 22

Did you ever think under this sign you might actually get cancer, don't feel bad, we will all probably get cancer and die. I always hear stories of old people dying of cancer. Those stories are so funny because I am young. Oh, please don't eat any food that has preservatives or partially hydrogenated anything, because you will get cancer. Also don't breathe the outside air during the 1st - 31st. That should cover things for you. Please stay away from Pizza Huts, nothing to do with cancer, just a murder.

Leo July 23-August 22

You are so good at being selfish, I wonder why you don't turn it into a job.  You should really think about being less of a wand and more of a human being. Beware of talking about the relationship from the 9th through the 13th.  There will be resistance from the other side. If you are single which I am sure you are, don't talk to your genitalia during this time either. Good luck. Watch the sun too, stay indoors and look lonely. Oh good you are perfect at that. Luck Numbers, Not 69,

Virgo August 23-September 22

Just taste it, it's not that bad. Look if you don't start doing that I guarantee you they will go somewhere else to get it. It feels good to have a mouth there and people aren't really patient these days.. Sell your unwanted music to a resale shop, you are gonna need the money cause something terrible is going to happen/, I just hope you aren't in the car when it happens. Oh quit being an asshole at work, no one likes you, but acting like that will get you beat up.

Libra September 23-October 22

That is really an ugly wardrobe you have. They say nothing goes with a face like that and they are right. Yours is the worst. This will be a hard month for you with finding a date, no one really likes that way you look and your personality is really terrible so, I guess its kind of  a wash. Look forward to a disfiguring accident that will award you money or some plastic surgery to figure out that mess your parents gave you. Stay away from Pizza Huts also, there is a murder on the horizon.

Scorpio October 23-November 21

Beware of the 16th, this will not be a good day to spend or save your money. Either decision will be the wrong one, if you spend it it will be bad if you don't spend it, it will be worse. That is the worst part, either decision will be the wrong one. You will be fucked either way.  Do not take your vacation during the 5th - 29th, unless you like getting mauled by a tiger.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Holy Shit, MOVE!!! Get out of where you are at unless you really like trouble. There is nothing that you should do more than start all over, if you are waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT DUMMY! But you are such a beat freak, you will put up with it, you probably like the abuse. Do not eat corn on the 27th or it will come out in your pooh the following two days. Lucky numbers 12, 6, 8 ,414. Eat some soy products your colon looks like a mortar field.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Flipping out is just your style, tell them that. So big deal you did something you shouldn't have. It is only a decision that will ruin your life. But Fuck, it's you life, right? It's not anyone else's/ Be proud of your mistake and defend it. Don't listen to these other people, they are only trying to trying to reason with you. Don't create anything on the 9th, that is a day to rest, unless you like murdering innocent bystanders at a pizza hut in a drug haze.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Fuck It! You tried and it just isn't working. This is a great month to just give up, who cares how much it will cost. Mistakes happen. OH Ouch, it will cost that much....Yikes, Well i guess you could file bankruptcy. No that person does not like you, they don't even know that you exist. Try acting like a civilized human instead of a fat pig and you might get somewhere. You will lose your wallet on the 16th.

Pisces February 19-March 20

Holy shit you are a miserable mess, I know get  a tattoo. They are perfect. You get them on whims because you are rebelling against something, and we all know that lasts forever. So the tattoo will be a permanent memory of how you felt at this fraction of a second of  your life, because you will probably feel this way forever. Life is so great you will probably have a great one. See you in hell you sack of dogs balls. Oh by the way the 24th is a great day to start a new hobby.