|
|
|
|
Aries March 21-April 19
Mind you manners, that's no diet.....That looks like the menu for a
county fair eating contest. Bad Piggy Piggy!. Look at yourself in the mirror.
Better yet, Take a naked picture of yourself with your digital camera
and rethink eating that. Oh and by the way, don't open the door to your
house between the 6th and the 12th, you might be killed accidentally. Also
look for what you lost under the bed...DUH!!! It won't be there but it
will remind you how stupid you are and that losing things is very childish.
|
|
|
|
|
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Pay attention you asshole. Half of your problem is that you daydream.
Quit wishing you would win the big Money Lottery prize, you won't. The
lottery has bad odds odds so bad that you would need to die in 8 plane
crashes...and I don't know if that's possible....Judges? NO, it is not
possible....oh what's that? Oh you were gonna buy 10 dollars worth of tickets,
not just one, oh I didn't know you were going to play all of your families
birthdates...ohhhhhh oh that really boosts your odds, sorry I didn't understand.
Mathematically, let me see 10 dollars.....Nope 8 airplane crashes still,
you fucking asshole.
|
|
|
Gemini May 21- June 21
Sweet Jesus, its been how long since you have gotten some action? WOW,
you are really a piece of shit in the sex department. NO jerking off doesn't
count. You should probably consider some other options at this point. Perhaps
some same sex action, Gay people are always more slutty than straight people.
I mean, they are Gay, if you took it like that wouldn't you think about
it all day to. Try some gay sex or perhaps a glory hole, either side, you
are guaranteed a good time.
|
|
|
|
|
Cancer
June 22-July 22
Did you ever think under this sign you might actually get cancer, don't
feel bad, we will all probably get cancer and die. I always hear stories
of old people dying of cancer. Those stories are so funny because I am
young. Oh, please don't eat any food that has preservatives or partially
hydrogenated anything, because you will get cancer. Also don't breathe
the outside air during the 1st - 31st. That should cover things for you.
Please stay away from Pizza Huts, nothing to do with cancer, just a murder.
|
|
|
Leo July 23-August 22
You are so good at being selfish, I wonder why you don't turn it into
a job. You should really think about being less of a wand and more
of a human being. Beware of talking about the relationship from the 9th
through the 13th. There will be resistance from the other side. If
you are single which I am sure you are, don't talk to your genitalia during
this time either. Good luck. Watch the sun too, stay indoors and look lonely.
Oh good you are perfect at that. Luck Numbers, Not 69,
|
|
|
|
|
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Just taste it, it's not that bad. Look if you don't start doing that
I guarantee you they will go somewhere else to get it. It feels good to
have a mouth there and people aren't really patient these days.. Sell your
unwanted music to a resale shop, you are gonna need the money cause something
terrible is going to happen/, I just hope you aren't in the car when it
happens. Oh quit being an asshole at work, no one likes you, but acting
like that will get you beat up. |
|
|
Libra September 23-October 22
That is really an ugly wardrobe you have. They say nothing goes with
a face like that and they are right. Yours is the worst. This will be a
hard month for you with finding a date, no one really likes that way you
look and your personality is really terrible so, I guess its kind of
a wash. Look forward to a disfiguring accident that will award you money
or some plastic surgery to figure out that mess your parents gave you.
Stay away from Pizza Huts also, there is a murder on the horizon.
|
|
|
|
|
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Beware of the 16th, this will not be a good day to spend or save your
money. Either decision will be the wrong one, if you spend it it will be
bad if you don't spend it, it will be worse. That is the worst part, either
decision will be the wrong one. You will be fucked either way. Do
not take your vacation during the 5th - 29th, unless you like getting mauled
by a tiger.
|
|
|
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Holy Shit, MOVE!!! Get out of where you are at unless you really like
trouble. There is nothing that you should do more than start all over,
if you are waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT DUMMY! But you are such a beat
freak, you will put up with it, you probably like the abuse. Do not eat
corn on the 27th or it will come out in your pooh the following two days.
Lucky numbers 12, 6, 8 ,414. Eat some soy products your colon looks like
a mortar field.
|
|
|
|
|
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Flipping out is just your style, tell them that. So big deal you did
something you shouldn't have. It is only a decision that will ruin your
life. But Fuck, it's you life, right? It's not anyone else's/ Be proud
of your mistake and defend it. Don't listen to these other people, they
are only trying to trying to reason with you. Don't create anything on
the 9th, that is a day to rest, unless you like murdering innocent bystanders
at a pizza hut in a drug haze.
|
|
|
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Fuck It! You tried and it just isn't working. This is a great month
to just give up, who cares how much it will cost. Mistakes happen. OH Ouch,
it will cost that much....Yikes, Well i guess you could file bankruptcy.
No that person does not like you, they don't even know that you exist.
Try acting like a civilized human instead of a fat pig and you might get
somewhere. You will lose your wallet on the 16th.
|
|
|
|
|
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Holy shit you are a miserable mess, I know get a tattoo. They
are perfect. You get them on whims because you are rebelling against something,
and we all know that lasts forever. So the tattoo will be a permanent memory
of how you felt at this fraction of a second of your life, because
you will probably feel this way forever. Life is so great you will probably
have a great one. See you in hell you sack of dogs balls. Oh by the way
the 24th is a great day to start a new hobby.
|
|
|
|
|
|